RANDOM THOUGHTS ON RANDOM SUGATA THINGS

[royallyshafted]

Okaay, let's see if I can do this somewhat coherently.



There's a lot of random Sugata thoughts floating around in my head I want to get down but it isn't all necessarily connected! This is only partly fallout from the game and also other random stuff.

So I guess, I should start with how I had a random retarded revelation today which is that SUGATA IS THE PILLAR. When I wrote my essay on leadership I had this kind of IDK cuz he is sort of bossy and manipulative but he is MOSTLY A HELPER and for him taking on a leadership role is just because he wants to help his team and if he needs to shoulder that burden he will. But he's not like...aaa...leader. Then I wrote the canon blather essay and talked about Columner and lol that name and lol what Samekh means and tonight I was randomly like OH GOD SUGATA IS A PILLAR.

...yah.

So anyway.

On to actual essay thoughts.

STUFF In semi bullet point as I think of it

• Tide doesn't care that he died, at all. He cares that Suzaku used him to save himself only inasmuch as it means Suzaku might use SOMEONE ELSE on his team in such a manner in another bad game. If the situation comes up again, Sugata will probably let Break kill him to avoid that possibility.



• Actually he was more annoyed at Suzaku's righteous assumptions in the first round, but he diplomatically ignored it because he also didn't care. (HINT: Sugata doesn't register selfishness as a vice and you will never convince him otherwise).



• Tide is SUPER UPSET that OTHER PEOPLE died in the game! But nooot in the... usual way I guess? He is dealing with it just fine. It's more the echo of his failure than "ohgod my team died".



• Basically Tide is kind of crazily accepting the 'oh people die but they come right back' thing a lot easier than I expected. I think in part it's because he just so much does not care that he died that even though he really super does care about his team he has trouble creating a worry out of it. If it was permanent? He would absolutely lose his shit. But it's not and... then once they are revived he has NEW and more immediate troubles and he just doesn't really get the time to go "oh god my team died baw ohgodohgodohgod" so he just kind of. Skips it.



• His team is all SAD. This is SO MUCH WORSE than his team all being dead. He has no idea how to comfort people. I have said before that Tide views his help of the team, which everyone else thinks makes him in charge in some way, as nothing special. To Tide everything he does is like... whatever. He got water out of the well? He did a quest to get you something you wanted? He was polite to you, or listened to your problems, or forced you to drink blood when you were being a stupid ahole about it? It's just... it's not stuff that is difficult for him to do. He is not lazy, but he also doesn't really have any goals or direction, so he exerts all that energy on pretty much whatever comes to mind! And it happen that he is aware of the things other people want or need much more than he is aware of his own wants and needs, so he does that stuff. But it isn't done to really be nice or win you over, it's just... a thing. And to him it is meaningless.
  
  But now his team is SAD and being able to fix that is what he would REALLY LIKE TO DO and that would be WORTHWHILE and he can't. He really did try. He tried SUPER HARD with Break because Break is both most important and also the person he's most close to. But he pretty much flat out failed across the board to be able to support his team (PILLAR!!) at this really important time when they are all hurt and pulling away and he SUPER HATES IT and doesn't know what the hell to do.



• Tide doesn't think about what other people think of him! It's really not that important to him. He is aware that he is sort of bad at people so he kind of assumes most people might like him because he is pleasant but not care because is bad at people and seriously why would you? (Again he doesn't think anything he does is special so seriously why?)



• This leads into why Tide was TOTALLY FLOORED when Souya told him his team was upset because he died. That after Gale he is the most important person to protect. It seriously... hadn't occurred to him. Like he knew that they were upset because TEAM died, but that is significantly different than caring Tide in particular died. Though a part of him just flat out didn't (still doesn't) believe it, a part of him realizes Souya probably knows what he is talking about. Howver, Tide is stupid and to him what this meant wasn't "People you love also love you back" it was "The people you love are totally upset over you, also they died because of you in the first place and now you can't help them at all! Everything is your fault".



• This is why Tide got REALLY MAD at HIMSELF and tried to lock himself off and run away and generally had a temper tantrum. Does not know how to cope with being the cause of the suffering of his people because he's supposed to be their pillar1!!!



• Though Souya knocked him out of his temper tantrum, he is still mentally in the same place of being really mad at himself and also feeling useless and like a burden. It generally sucks. He will probably withdraw a bit more gradually, it is not even entirely calculated it is just the only way he knows how to cope.



• Sugata has suspected Souya was attracted to him since the kissing game where Souya went out of his way to say how glad he was he didn't have to kiss Tide. The confession was only a surprise in the sense that Tide had to realize that there were probably FEELINGS in that sexual attraction.



• Tide may be happy that Takuto is in the book after that game. If it really is just a sleep, it would be better if Takuto avoided these sorts of games.



• Tide will generally be less willing to truly care for anyone off his team because he thinks loyalties are already too divided.



• After supporting Souya in the making of the plan he has decided he really doesn't like it. Tide is not good at not being selfish, particularly since he has put himself in a leadership position. He does not have the luxury to favor anyone over Amethyst, even if he really wants to. I thought he might do it for Sharon, because Sharon is Break's Wako and he really cares about Break! But he would still have to put Amethyst first in moooooooost cases, and feel lousy about it. However he would REALLY LIKE to always put Kunzite second, and the plan gets in the way of that. He WANTS his team to be selfish!! He want them to protect who they care about and stop making themselves suffer by acting like everyone is equally important when they sure as hell are not.



• That said, Tide will also submit to the collective will of his team provided it is not 'sacrifice the team'. If they want to sacrifice their own friends for the greater good, he will disapprove but go along with it. But he will never ever ever put Amethyst less than first, even if he has to flat out override everyone.
  
  
• But this is why Tide is also upset at himself a bit because he DID go with the will of the team. He is not irrationally retardedly angry about it the way he is about WHY DO THEY LIKE ME WHY DO I CAUSE THEM PAIN thing, but he does consider it a bad choice, because he KNEW it was a bad choice, he just didn't realize how much moving onto the second round would suck, and he failed to anticipate the Personae's nature over her words. He isn't self flagellating, but he considers it his fault and he will be very wary of making the same mistake in the future.



• I guess it goes without saying but he doesn't blame his team at all. He isn't saying 'THAT WAS SURE MY FAULT' because he realizes people will argue with him, and he sort of does want them to feel a little guilty if it means he can get them to do what he wants to do to protect them easier next time. But he doesn't actually blame them. From Tide's pov, being nice is their privilege because he was the one who went 'well I guess I will try to be leader'.



• He also hadn't even a little bit considered blaming the other teams for valuing Amethyst as 'less' until Sion told him about why Turquoise voted the way they did. Even once it was brought up, he still doesn't really care. Tide is not really a 'hate the pawns' type. He knows his team did the exact same thing as every other team, so there isn't much point in trying to blame them, because if anyone ever comes to Amethyst looking to blame someone Tide is going to fucking pillar them, so in the same respect he doesn't have any expectations of loyalty or kindness from other teams. He is happy to blame himself and Three.



• Back on the subject of Souya's plan for a minute: Sugata doesn't like it because in that game he realized that the plan only works if the Personae play by the rules. And having now played in a BAD GAME meant to MAKE YOU SAD and COST YOU THINGS and TEST YOUR CHARACTER he realizes that unless the Personae's goal that day is to see if all of the teams trust each other, such a plan is never going to work. The Personae are not automatons stuck on a certain set of code. They are individual, sometimes fucked up, personalities with incredible power. They have no reason to stick to their own rules just so you can find a gap to wiggle out of and leave them trapped in their own net. Three changed her plan midgame (or so she claimed), she intentionally rewarded the team that didn't follow the plan. Maybe if everyone had followed the plan in both rounds there would have just been a third and a fourth round until someone cracked, or maybe she would've just gotten mad and killed people randomly, or maybe she would have awarded everyone memories because o ho you are all so clever. There is really no way to know, is the thing. All Tide DOES know is that she is twisted and selfish herself, and he has absolutely zero reason to believe she would 'keep her word' just because/if they managed to find a way to 'beat' her game by not even playing the way it is meant to be played. From HER point of view it's probably like if you played monopoly and then never spent a dime and just went around the board forever and forever and called yourself clever because you aren't losing any money. Suuure you keep your bank but you're utterly missing the point and frankly you look like a jackass.
  
  So! While he understands why other people like the plan and will probably continue to use it, Sugata is pretty much always going to be against it. He thinks it is sort of a joke to say that if you just go in order you are being unbiased. He thinks it's sort of a joke to treat being biased like it is bad. He is generally frustrated that his teammates wants to fool themselves with the idea that it is kinder to not prioritize what you care about, as if friendship isn't worth prioritizing. BUT, if that makes them HAPPY he will go with it whenever possible because Tide's priority is his team's happiness and sanity. And he has learned from this game that his team can handle death a lot better than they can handle guilt.



• Of course he may also just do whatever he knows is best for them and ignore them hating him so that they can both say WE WANTED TO DO WHAT WAS RIGHT but also OUR FRIENDS WHO WE CARE ABOUT THE MOST WERE OKAY. Idk we'll see.

RELATIONSHIP STUFF

• So I guess it's funny because when Tide and Pride arrived in Aather they got along really easily. They had no real expectations of each other and sort of just did their own thing and Tide was helpful to Pride and Pride was helpful to Tide because he had something to focus on being a PILLAR for and it was good and easy and thoughtless.



• Now it is by far Tide's hardest and most complex relationship. Somehow he ended up caring about Break a WHOLE DAMN LOT. A lot of it was in response to this game, since Tide tends to not realize that he cares about something until it is in danger and he freaks out a little. Break broke after the game and just totally shut down. And it really upset Tide, even if he didn't act like it. He pushed and pulled and did everything he could think of to try and make it better even though Sugata is just NOT GOOD AT COMFORT OR PEOPLE OR FEELINGS. Because the idea of leaving Break rocking in a corner was worse.
  
  He probably did help to an extent, but he doesn't feel like he did, and he was really happy when Sharon arrived and fixed Break and also a little jealous because why do I suck so much and it was just ONE MORE POINT with ALL OF THE OTHER POINTS of Tide failing to be a PILLAR for his team that day.



• So basically now I guess they are just kind of awkward and forced and will probably both try to pretend a lot of development never happened which. idk. might even work.



• Tide has three people in Aather who fulfill very different but very important supportive roles FOR HIM. Tide is not really and honest person. He hides a lot of himself. But he lets certain things out for certain people because... well because he is still sixteen and just because Sugata never has any support for himself in the anime doesn't mean he couldn't REALLY USE IT.



• The first is Break. Break is the person Sugata is most okay with being terrible with. It hasn't come up a lot yet because Sugata hasn't realized Break is kind of his knight, but once he DOES he would really not hesitate to have Break assassinate someone for him if needed. But that's like, the most dramatics. In day to day stuff it's more just that he is okay with pessimistic, selfish, cold hearted, dismissive, a bit of a bully and so on. Not that this all COMES OUT A LOT, other than he and Break sometimes sharing the same pessimistic view of things. But it's more that when Sugata hits the point where holding grudges happens, where intentionally taking out other teams happens, he is pretty sure Break will have his back even if he has to be terrible, and he is glad for that and okay with Break knowing he is terrible.



• The second is Souya. Being the not-boyfriend, Souya is more conventional emotional/growth support. Sugata would never lean on and cuddle with Break the way he did with Souya. He won't tell Break his feelings of uselessness or admit that he blames himself. Souya likes to pick at Tide's feelings and Tide really really could shut him down utterly, but he doesn't because... he likes it. He likes Souya, he likes that little bit of emotional vulnerability he allows himself, he likes relying on someone else a little bit. He still doesn't really tell Souya much. There were several hundred things he did not say during that cuddling conversation. But it's a lot more than anyone else would get, and at the same time it helps him to give out something of himself more than I MUST BE A PILLAR1!! Souya also knows the most about Sugata's memories and is generally (hilariously) the person he's most comfortable being a bit childish around.



• And finally there is Sion. Sion is unique because he's not really emotionally important to Tide. In terms of HOW MUCH WILL I FLIP MY SHIT IF YOU ARE NOT OKAY, the order is Break >> rest of Amethyst >> Souya >>>>>>>>>>> Everyone else (read: I don't care). But Sion has gone out of his way to fill Sugata's head with RESPONSIBILITY OF LEADERSHIP thoughts (PS Amethyst if any of you are yet sick of Tide is the leader (BUT HE ISN'T REALLY) talk, Sion is partly at fault for basically brainwashing him with responsibility). Anyway. Sion! Talking about leadership! But also being supportive and thoughtful and observant and helpful. Tide really likes him, and is more okay with talking to him about leadership related needs/concerns/how does I this. He trusts Sion's nature, even though he realizes that nature is never going to favor him in games. He is okay with this! In a way it is the best sort of off team relationship for him, because it is helpful and even fairly honest, but doesn't have any obligation that he can't live up to. So in a way if Souya is the boyfriend and Break is the loyal servant than Sion is the teacher, because Tide genuinely respects him and seeks him for advice and even cares a bit and thinks he's pretty hot, but also you know. Once school is out whatever.



• Those are Tide's THREE KEY RELATIONSHIPS which pretty much do an equal job of keep him functioning and vastly increase his work and stress load. NONE OF THEM ARE PURELY GOOD THINGS AND TIDE'S LIFE WOULD BE MUCH EASIER IF NONE OF THEM HAD HAPPENED but now that they are there, he does rely on them a bit.



• THE REST OF AMETHYST pretty much falls into responsibility. Not that he doesn't care about every member individually, because at this point he mostly really does. But he is also more distant from them and he really only relies on them in the sense of... needing them to be okay so he is doing his job right.

OKAY WOW THAT WAS A LOT OF STUFF THAT WAS IN NO WAY ORGANIZED. But I think I have expelled all of my thoughts. I am open for questions if anyone is interested but otherwise lol sorry I didn't even try to organize.

Comments

[iwantyour]

SOMETIMES I TOP BACK \o/

[royallyshafted]

SO WHAT ABOUT THIS STOU THAT WAS INVALIDATED WAS THAT ME.

[iwantyour]

YES YOU RUIN EVERYTHING.

[royallyshafted]

Was it about how you feel bad crushing on a sixteen year old.

[iwantyour]

That was part of it, but most of it was about how he was FULL OF GUILT over the game... but then Sugata happened and he's doing a lot better now. Also Sugata's importance jumped up and that's terrible.

[royallyshafted]

flirting with teenagers fixes everything.

[iwantyour]

what is that icon? DON'T USE THAT ICON ON ME.

[royallyshafted]

The only reason you didn't get kissed in that thread was because you had been drinking blood. btw.

[iwantyour]

WHY ARE YOU A DICK.

[royallyshafted]

.......because i didn't kiss you or because I seriously considered it.

[iwantyour]

Both!

[royallyshafted]

so sad

[iwantyour]

WHY WERE YOU GOING TO?

[royallyshafted]

WELL

he has a crush on you


in. sugata term of a crush

and he's a little irritated you went and decided his age is relevant

or that because he isn't sure he's interested in sex it was all irrelevant

(because you didn't ask if he was interested in kissing)

and he does genuinely want to!

But Sugata had already decided he is a bad person to be in a relationship with like. weeks ago. when he first realized he sucked at people and feelings

and it would be better for you to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't suck at hugs

or get mad people care about him

but he's doing a lot better on the accepting feelings front now that he had his little freak out

even if he still doesn't really know what to do about it \o/;;

And Souya's importance/general trust jumped a lot too

so he is reevaluating the decision

but he also just kind of really wanted to kiss him but kept going basically Hmm I could just end this conversation that way >> But what if he really doesn't want to >> It would suck if he's actually really uncomfortable with my age >> But I still sort of want to... >> Oh wait he's been drinking blood >> no.

and now that he DIDN'T have the chance to make his decision kind of spur of the moment he's actually

seriously thinking about it

and is pretty meeh over the whole thing

[iwantyour]

... all the fail all the time.

INSTEAD OF CONFESSING SOUYA KEPT THINKING ABOUT JUST KISSING HIM when Tide was having his ISSUES, but he thought that would be taking advantage of someone EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE so he went with confessing instead.

And he'd be pretty okay with doing things with Tide as long as Tide was the one leading 'cause EMOTIONALLY STUNTED TEENAGER WHAT DO.

[royallyshafted]

well there see at least you fail just as much.

[iwantyour]

I'M THE ADULT. I THINK IT SAYS SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT MY CHARACTER THAT I HAVE ISSUES KISSING TEENAGERS.

[royallyshafted]

well if you have kissing teeanger issues when I actually kiss you there is going to be problems.

[iwantyour]

I'm pretty sure he'll mostly just be confused and derp.

[royallyshafted]

if you want me to explain feelings there will also be problems...

[iwantyour]

He knows better than to ask Tide to explain feelings. HE LEARNED.

[royallyshafted]

Good \o/